Meditations on Grief

 

As many of you may know by now, (from reading the blog), we lost our daughter just over four years ago and life since that point has been a process of grieving and finding new meaning and purpose. Grief is a journey that doesn't end... the pain of the loss doesn't just go away. However, It does get more manageable and gradually bit by bit life starts enlarging around the pain in the middle. 

Its a tumultuous journey of ups and downs... at times you can grieve openly and other times you may feel like others just don't understand and you hide it away, trying to figure out what is acceptable or appropriate. You feel broken... but you learn that you are not broken... and you not only GO through the grief (as David Kessler, a well known grief expert puts it) but you GROW through it. You learn that you can't "DO" grief wrong and that its very individualized. 

I love what David says, when asked, "How long do you grieve?" His answer is so to the point..."How long is the person dead?".

I also find the story that he tells... of how buffalo's run in to a storm to shorten the time that they will have to spend in the worst part of it. Most people do the opposite....people run away from grief and try and avoid the pain and emotional storms and in doing so often elongate the time that they spend in its epicenter. As the sayings go... what we resist persists! and "you can't heal from what you don't feel" 

 

 

 

You may have read that I am a Physiotherapist with an Integrative approach to treating my patients and this last year has brought much growth throughout lock-down as I have done personal and professional development and completed a number of courses.

I studied ACT (Acceptance and commitment therapy for chronic pain), Functional Nutrition for chronic pain and recently I completed another course with Dr Joe Tatta at the Integrative Pain science Institute on Mindfulness based pain reduction (MBPR). You might have guessed that I have and interest in Pain... both physical and emotional ... and  there is good science that shows that you can't actually separate the two. 

 I've had an interest in mindfulness for many years (see previous blog post on this subject mindfulness in 8 weeks and mindful meanderings) but wanted a certification that I could use with my patients as so many people suffer pain and loss, and as a consequence grief.

At the end of the course I was asked to lead a compassion meditation in a zoom retreat with other professionals also studying this topic. As loss and grief are very real and experiential for me, I decided that I wanted to do the meditation on this subject matter. And because many people who visit this blog are parents of Edwards Syndrome children (both living and deceased) I wanted to share the meditation, here on Henibean. It is however for anyone who is going through any type of loss (expectant grief included) or bereavement. I adapted a practice by Meli O'Brien (aka Mrs Mindfulness) and have put both the new transcript and audio version in this post below. 

 

 

The word compassion means to be with suffering… so there is not greater time to adopt a compassionate approach (with yourself and or others), than after ANY type of loss. It takes a lot of courage to grieve and to honour the pain we carry after a loss… and In this practice, we look at turning attention towards our difficult emotions of grief, rather than suppressing or running away from and avoiding them. I can tell you from experience that when you ignore them... they come back and bite you on the metaphorical back side!

 

 

Grief is about our broken hearts but often our minds can take over and get in the way. The key to the practice therefore, is that instead of focusing on the ruminating thoughts we all have in our mind, you allow yourself to feel what is happening in the physical body. What does it really feel like in your body to feel the way you feel and allow the sensations to be there without getting carried away in thoughts that can make suffering worse. What if you curiously allowed those feelings to unfold, without censoring or suppressing them in any way, or being carried off in ruminating thought?   

So with the above question, I invite you to try out the grief meditation below. It's around ten minutes long, so go find yourself a nice quiet spot where you will be undisturbed......

This is the self-compassion meditation transcript for grief…

I  invite you to find a comfortable posture... either standing in the traditional  yoga mountain pose/tadasana ), shoulder width apart with your feet grounding firmly in to the floor.... or if you prefer, find a comfortable sitting posture, spine erect and feet flat on the floor.

 As you settle in to the position you’ve chosen … lightly begin to close your eyes.

And now drawing the focus of your attention to the breath…

Breathe all the way down in the belly… taking a few moments to allow your awareness to ride the…ins and outs and shifting tides of the natural breath.

 

Following the breath all the way in ……and all the way back out again.

 

Now, remembering that there are many types of loss in life I invite you to think of a loss you are experiencing. Perhaps it’s...

The loss of a job,

The loss of a beloved pet,

The loss of movement and activity

A heartbreak or the end of a relationship…

It may be the loss of a friendship or loss of freedoms that have been forced upon us in these unsettling times…  OR the loss of a loved one.

 

So now I invite you to just take a moment to fully acknowledge your loss…

 

Let the thoughts and story, the images, the feelings come to you naturally …

First taking a moment to notice the thoughts in the mind about this loss.

 

And now just dropping awareness out of your thoughts and moving it in to your body… and beginning to tune in to wherever you are feeling the sense of discomfort, dis-ease or grief in the physical body.

 

Tuning in to where you feel the sensations the strongest…and gently making contact with the cycling emotions of grief as it arises in your body in this moment.

 

Noticing if your mind wants to take over …. With thoughts entering in…softly bringing your attention back to the physical sensation of emotion.

 

Now… just inviting you to repeat the following phrases out loud or inside your head.. whichever feels comfortable.... in a gentle slow voice.

 

Repeating them…. one by one.

The first phrase is

 

“This is a moment of grief…..”

And as an extension to that phrase…”grief is a normal and natural part of human life…. I’m not alone in this.”

As you listen to my voice be aware that all humans face grief and loss... and vulnerability and failure. And we are all doing the best we can, given the circumstances of our life.

And now if you care to place a hand or both hands over your heart or wherever feels soothing for you…. and feeling the warmth of your body and the rise and fall of the chest... and repeating the following phrase….

 

“May I be kind to myself in this moment…”

 

And just for a few moments imagining that you can breathe a kind smoothing and tender breath right in to the area you feel the pain or grief the strongest…

 

Softening…and settling…in to this moment…breathing kindness and tenderness in to the discomfort…tending to it as you would tend to a loved one that was hurting.

 

And just for a few more moments holding your discomfort in this kind, tender awareness.

 

And then as we now begin to draw this meditation to a close I invite you to repeat one more phrase…

 

“May I give myself what I need”

 

And seeing if you can now find words for what it is you need in a time like this

 

Some options may be …

May I be comforted.

May I forgive.

May I nourish and look after myself.

May I have the courage to speak up and ask for what I need

 

 So just take a few moments to contemplate what answers might arise. 

 

And now once again inviting your awareness to land on the breath in the belly, noticing the rising and falling sensations of the breath… and then take a long slow deep breath in and a breath out…. and feel the contact points between your feet on the floor or your body and the chair beneath you…Preparing also, to reconnect with the rest of your day…

…and now gently opening your eyes when you are ready…fully alert and back in the room...

…..well done everyone! 

 

 

 

I hope that in some small way you have been able to witness the pain that you feel in grief and differentiate it from the suffering that can be brought about by the thoughts our mind bring up about a loss. I hope that you will be kind to yourself at such a difficult time.

 

Jx