Meditations on Grief

 

As many of you may know by now, (from reading the blog), we lost our daughter just over four years ago and life since that point has been a process of grieving and finding new meaning and purpose. Grief is a journey that doesn't end... the pain of the loss doesn't just go away. However, It does get more manageable and gradually bit by bit life starts enlarging around the pain in the middle. 

Its a tumultuous journey of ups and downs... at times you can grieve openly and other times you may feel like others just don't understand and you hide it away, trying to figure out what is acceptable or appropriate. You feel broken... but you learn that you are not broken... and you not only GO through the grief (as David Kessler, a well known grief expert puts it) but you GROW through it. You learn that you can't "DO" grief wrong and that its very individualized. 

I love what David says, when asked, "How long do you grieve?" His answer is so to the point..."How long is the person dead?".

I also find the story that he tells... of how buffalo's run in to a storm to shorten the time that they will have to spend in the worst part of it. Most people do the opposite....people run away from grief and try and avoid the pain and emotional storms and in doing so often elongate the time that they spend in its epicenter. As the sayings go... what we resist persists! and "you can't heal from what you don't feel" 

 

One year on...

I cant quite believe as I sit here in the early hours of the morning that one whole year has passed by since the death of our sweet angel Heni. I am sitting, in perhaps what could be called the "portal to heaven"... the exact same place that we found her lying peacefully asleep... taken home to rest from her mortal sojourn.
The room has changed. Most of her "things" are lovingly packed away in her memory chest....there is no bed.... and no Her. 
The room has moved on... re-purposed in to my new craft room.... but as I sit on the sofa (where she would have been sleeping in her bed) and as I cast my eyes around, I can still see Heni. The bright multi coloured rainbow pompom banner still hangs from the window. Her photos cover the walls in family portraits. Her yearly milestone pictures hang just behind me on the wall. Her purple fluffy blanket lays next to me on the sofa ...and there is one lone piece of clothing that I still keep here in this room. Her fluffy heart dressing gown still hangs behind the door in the same place its always been. Sometimes as I walk by ...I can still see her in my minds eye all wrapped up in it after bath time. Sometimes I take it in my arms, close my eyes and imagine that she is still in it...smiling away and making her noises and smelling of mango and coconut body lotion.
Yes the room and the world moves on.... still rotates... and time passes by on lightening speed... 
but many things remain exactly the same.

Healing HEARTS

 Since my last post on Heart Photography and Visualization, where I told you about my "heart challenge",  I have continued to photograph even more hearts and post them on my Instagram account (For those of you who don't YET follow my Instagram you can see some of them when you scroll below) 
I mentioned that It all started out as a way of "intentionally looking"  but ended up with each heart being a message to me of:-

Two years and counting....

 Henibean is 2 years old today! 
I know I've not been as diligent at writing over the last month... it's been a difficult time... and I haven't felt much like sitting and tapping out my thoughts on the keyboard ....but hey this blog is about balance ... and you have to cut yourself some slack sometimes don't you? 


A lot has happened in the last two year and today I wanted to

My Headspace journey...

 
Last post I mentioned that I would share a tool with you that I've been using on my journey through grief... and so today I am going to tell you a little about my experience with Headspace.

I originally came across the app about a year ago after reading a number of books on Mindfulness. I downloaded the app on my phone, and then did the free mindfulness based meditation sessions on the basic ten day program ...TAKE 10 (ten sessions of just ten minutes a day).