I just literally almost had a heart attack!
I haven't logged on to Blogger or on to Henibean for quite a while, but for some reason today I tried to access it through my Instagram account and it said my accounts didn't exist anymore! I couldn't find them anywhere.
I can't begin to tell you how my heart flipped upside down, inside out and fell into the nethermost parts of my stomach. The hours I have spent writing, musing, creating.... during Heni's last few years of life... the therapy that it was for me... the memories it contained... the source of hope that I pray it gave/gives other families in the same situation as us... all gone?
The prospect that it had ceased to exist made me panic, search frantically through the web...and fortunately, the heart attack was averted and was replaced by a skip in beat as my blog miraculously showed up before my eyes again. Phew!
All of a sudden (amid the eagerness to find and keep what I had created), a desire to write something came leaping back again. Maybe nothing huge or grandiose but just a desire to share a little right now and to reach out and check that you are still there and that you are ok?
It's been a weird, surreal, almost dystopian time in the last few months hasn't it?
Just when I thought that we personally were nearing the zenith of yet another challenge allotted to us after having to move out of our home for the last 15 months (due to a water leak) and continuing with the ever onward ups and downs of the grief journey... something else hits us... ALL of us, and changed the lives that we currently live and know.
I'm no stranger to change. I'm well acquainted with challenges and bad news. Hey, I'm even best friends with self-isolation and can keep my own company rather well. There were often months at a time that I would stay home with Heni during her prolonged illnesses and shut the rest of the world out... living in our own little lockdown bubble. When we ultimately emerged from our own final "Heni bubble" we each had to work to adapt to a new status quo, look at what we had gained and lost... and learn how to live without her and enquire "what next"?
....and so although lockdown with Covid19 has had its unique challenges for us personally, I'm cognisant of the fact that all lockdowns are not created equal. Some individuals have gained extra quality family time, community spirit, and a virtual couch to 5K medal... others have lost jobs, hope, and loved ones. Some have worked their socks off as key workers while others have caught up on sleep and self-care that they maybe haven't had for a very long time.
On one hand, my lockdown has consisted of long daily walks, bike rides, runs, pilates, food, sleep, reading, virtual physio consultations with my patients, studying, tv, social media, gardening. However, this has been intermingled with boredom, feelings of displacement at not being in our own home and frustrations at our insurance company for being so useless on our house project. Also, the lack of clarity on the COVID situation and the seemingly inconsistent stories we have been told along the way has brought a certain level of distrust in what we are being fed by media. Mainly I've been regrouping and trying to get some much-needed energy back after what has seemed to be a very long slog of difficulties.
Here we ALL are... people from all corners of the globe in some stage or other of lockdown, and soon, potential liberation/emancipation. We are all going through different trials and "personal learning experiences" right now and we are all coping in different ways. When life resumes again (and it WILL), we will do it in our own way and in our own time and style... Some will emerge out of lockdown with a new direction and skillset, others with new talents and motivation. Some will emerge more emotionally battered, or even physically ...with bruises and broken marriages. BUT hopefully, the liberation that we will all feel will be a little more than the ability to go out of the house and be outdoors and exercise whenever we want. I'd like to believe that we will all come out of this with somewhat more.
Regardless of how we emerge from our governments' lockdowns that have been imposed upon us, I'd like to think that we will emerge having changed for the better. To surface with greater clarity for the future and having maintained our freedom to choose our way and live our own truth. Mostly to have gained a greater capacity to control our individual reactions to adversity.
I've always loved Victor Frankl's book, "man's search for meaning" and some of the quotations in it ring true in many circumstances... of both life and death, lockdown and liberation. So I thought I'd share a few with you below.
“The meaning of life is to give life meaning.”
So I guess what I am trying to say in a roundabout way is that although we didn't choose lockdown (like we don't choose many challenges in life),
we all possess a capacity to choose how we will respond right now... and hopefully grow from it eventually as a result. I'd like to think that no matter what heartache or difficulty it may have brought for you personally, that you can know (like I know from my own previous learning with Heni) that there WILL be positive things that come out of it. All we have to do is look for them and wait while we each work to adapt to a new status quo, look at what we have gained and lost... and learn how best to live as we look to "what next"?
I would be interested to know what you have done during your lockdowns and what they have taught you? What would you like your "new normal" to look like when you are finally liberated? I'd love you to message me on Facebook or Instagram or leave me a comment below.
I am feeling so thankful that the blog still exists and I hope I'll be back writing again real soon ; )
Know that I'm thinking of you all...until next time...