For a lot of years Heni had a bad habit of moaning when she was put to bed each night.... and she would moan for hours and hours on end. The sound she made was as if she was uncomfortable all the time and perhaps in pain ...it was definitely an unhappy noise and a noise that cut me right to the core. As a mother, all you want is to relieve or take away the discomfort and hurt, and when nothing you do makes the slightest bit of difference and you can't help, you feel rather useless. Not only would her habit make me feel like a failure but it would totally stress me out and drive me nuts... it was sheer torture! From time to time her moaning habit returns and it often comes back at times when she is not feeling great....
From my last post you will know that Heni has been ill over the last few weeks... she IS improving but she is still not yet back to her cheerful self and previous energy levels. In these "roller coaster dips" it brings back all the other previous dips we have been through over the years and it's not much fun to say the least! Every dip is a trying time but with the return of her moans, these last few weeks have been extra trying.
The usual check lists you go through makes no difference and when she has been doing her groans and moans for even the shortest time now, I find myself getting all churned up inside, with a tension and tightness in my chest, and all I crave is to escape somewhere and get some PEACE.
The other night she was doing her nightly moans and I escaped upstairs to the relative sanctuary of my bedroom. I couldn't hear the moans any longer and it was quiet, yet still within me was that churned up feeling, and the peace I craved was no where to be seen or felt. At times like this I do a check list of my own.... I breath.... I stretch and I turn to my scriptures and prayer.
So what is this peace that I look for at times like these? Is it the quietness and no noise in another part of the house?... The stillness of being alone? The desire for the fulfillment that the trial and torment will stop? The feeling of ease within?
As I thought about the concept of peace the lyrics of a hymn that I like came into my mind...
Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.
As the lyrics played upon my mind I was so grateful for the knowledge that there is someone who understands all my heartache and pain, all my trials and temptations and who knows perfectly how to succor and comfort me.... He knows perfectly how to help each and every one of us through our individual Gethsemane's....
.....then as I searched my scriptures I felt assured that the spirit He sent would leave none of us comfortless (John 14:18) .... in the world we might have tribulation but in him we might have peace (John 16:33).
During this Christmas season I hope you will spare a thought for that babe who was born in Bethlehem in the lowliest of circumstances and who grew to manhood and "published Peace" and tidings of great joy, serving and loving those around him. He eventually gave his life for each one of us and was resurrected on the third day. Without His birth, death and resurrection there would be no peace anywhere to be found. How grateful I am for this time of year when we celebrate his condescension and birth as that precious babe.There is peace and joy in knowing that the Saviour lived and does now still live!
We can't always control the external circumstances of our lives but we do have control over our spiritual vision and the principles upon which we base our lives. I hope that this Christmas you too will find the time to "acquaint yourselves with him... and be at peace"
May each of you have a Peaceful Christmas.
Hope to see you all in the New year